


If He Only Knew

by SageMoo



Series: Bren Lavellan [1]
Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Gen, Heartache, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Multi, Skyhold, The Fade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:39:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8770333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SageMoo/pseuds/SageMoo
Summary: Bren would be lost without her best friend, Dorian, especially now that her almost mended heart had been torn anew.





	

The pair ascended the staircase leading from the grand hall; they walked side-by-side slowly as they talked. The smaller man’s hand was clasped firmly in the hand of the large Qunari, and he gave it a squeeze of reassurance, “Amatus, I assure you that I’ll have plenty of time for you once I’ve settled back into the drama that was my former life in Tevinter. I do wish I knew why my father had summoned me back, but either way, having you with me would be a great comfort and a welcome distraction. And above all else, it will piss my father off.” He smiled bitterly at the thought. 

“Maybe you’re being ‘promoted’”, the Qunari mused, ignoring the last comment. He awkwardly shuffled up the stairs sideways to give them both enough room to fit on the narrow staircase, but his large horns occasionally knocked against the stone wall despite his efforts, yet he was unwilling to give up his position beside Dorian. 

“Ha! That’s as unlikely as a ‘Vint’ dating a Qunari, Bull… You know that. Not to mention a male Quanri”. Dorian glanced up at Bull with a sly smirk, his finely groomed moustache twitching with his apparent amusement. He pulled Bull’s arm up to rest around his own shoulders, the large muscled arm clearly almost twice the size of his own. Bull responded with a smile and gave his shoulders a squeeze in comprehension of what the gesture meant; complete acceptance of their unlikely pairing. As Dorian pulled in closer to Bull, their awkward walk up the staircase became no easier, but neither cared, “Frankly, I’m looking forward to seeing their faces. Word travels fast in the circles, unless my father has managed to kill anyone who knows, of course.” Dorian took a moment to consider the likelihood of this being an actual possibility. 

“Your father seemed to be trying to be more accepting when you introduced us, Kadan“

“Trying to be, yes…” 

After a moment of silence, with only their footsteps heard echoing through the otherwise deserted stairwell, Bull suddenly grinned down at Dorian, “So… Will I be allowed to kiss you in front of the Magisterium? Like a real kiss, you know? None of this cheek crap” The Qunari's question was met with a confused, yet contemplative look from the smaller man. 

“… I’m honestly not sure if I should be horrified at the thought, or thrilled at the proceeding chaos that would ensue”.

They reached the top of the stairs and Dorian knocked on the wooden door, simultaneously removing Bull’s arm from his shoulders and folding his own over his chest. Dorian immediately felt a jolt as Bull give him a sharp jab to the shoulder in response, causing him to shoot a questioning glare up at his over-sized lover. 

“You’re doing it again”, Bull said accusingly. 

“Doing wh-… oh vishante kaffas! You know I’m not used to all this public display…” 

“Come on, it’s Bren; she’s practically planned our wedding”, Bull extended his hand towards Dorian and gave his fingers an inviting, yet demanding wiggle. With an overly dramatised sigh, Dorian unfolded his arms once more and slipped his hand back into his partner’s firm grip. As Bull reached for the door handle, he shot a grin down his nose at Dorian, making him blush, “I’m impossible, aren’t I?” Bull retorted to Dorian’s pout in his best Dorian-esque imitation. 

“Yes, actually!”, Dorian replied in a haughty fashion, but was unable to stop a fond smile from touching his lips.

As Bull pushed the door open, the pair peered in through the doorway and up the stairs beyond. “Think she’s in?” Bull queried, and they listened for any signs of their friend. 

Dorian glanced up at Bull and lowered his voice, “Let me tell her, Amatus, she’s only just been back to her normal self recently, and I hate to have her think she’s being left here to fend for herself…”. 

Bull nodded before the two walked through the doorway and began walking up the last short flight of stairs to the private quarters above. 

“Bren? Little elf, are you home?” Dorian called out in an affectionate tone as they ascended. His query was only met by a low muffled sound from somewhere above, causing Dorian and Bull to exchange a brief look of confusion to one another before they reached the landing. There they both scanned the room for any signs of their friend. 

The bed appeared slept in but was still unmade at high-noon, and the writing desk was cluttered with scrolls, maps and books, including the floor space around it. There were various items of clothing scattered about the room, including Bren’s much loved leather armour, with quiver and arrows strewn close by. A look of comprehension dawned on Dorian’s face at the uncharacteristic chaos of Bren’s quarters, and he immediately released Bull’s hand and made his way quickly through the mess towards the balcony that overlooked the valley below Skyhold. He shot a look back at Bull and gestured for him to stay put for now, which was met with an understanding nod from the Qunari as he leaned back against the wooden railing of the stairs instead. 

Dorian stepped out onto the balcony of Bren’s private quarters, into the cool, crisp winter air, and immediately turned toward where he knew his friend would be. A pained sigh fell from his lips at the sight of her, his brow furrowing in sympathy and his fists clenching tightly beside him in anger. If he only knew… he thought to himself as he quickly reached down to her, feeling tears welling up in his own eyes. 

The small elf was crumpled on her knees at the edge of the balcony; one hand on the railing was the only thing keeping her up right. Her head was bowed in grief, short golden hair unkempt as if she had just awoken. Her small body shivered uncontrollably from the cold air and the cool stones upon which she sat; she was barely dressed, the only thing protecting her from the winter cold was a thin night dress. Without hesitation Dorian slipped in behind her on the frosty stone floor and wrapped his arms tightly around his friend. The elf gave a strangled sob at his embrace but turned into it, thankful for the warmth he offered, and she buried her face into his chest. A renewed wave of sobbing erupted from her mouth, as Dorian gently gathered her into his arms, pulling her slight frame easily into his lap to cradle her in a comforting embrace. Her whole body shook with her sorrow as she clung to the back of his robes with her tiny fists and sobbed into his chest. Great heavy, exhausted sobs, that he knew his attempts at soothing would fail miserably. 

“Oh, sweet elf… What’s happened?” 

He wasn’t sure how long he waited for her response, or if he even expected one, but her sobbing eventually quietened enough for him to hear her muffled words spoken into the now tear-soaked fabric of his robes. Dorian looked down at her as she spoke and saw how red her eyes had become from crying, and the utter defeat and sadness they held within them; a look he was all too familiar with feeling himself. 

“He’s gone, Dorian…”, her words threatened to bring on a whole new wave of grief, but the small elf managed to control the sobs by clenching her eyes shut. Her words were enough that Dorian could not stop the tears from finally spilling from his own eyes, which he averted from her face, instead looking out over the edge of the balcony and into the icy valley below. He could not bear to see his dear friend in such a state; and all too often in recent years. He missed the light she had once brought into his life. 

“I know, sweet thing, it’s been almost two years…”, Dorian spoke in a soft voice, the sympathy he felt for his friend evident in his gentle tone. He gave her a tight squeeze, bowing his head over hers and pressing his lips to her hair. After a moment of silence between the pair, she tilted her face up to her friend to meet his eyes, tears filling her own anew. 

“No, I mean I think he’s really gone now. Again.” Her chin trembled as she spoke the words, eyes fixed on Dorian's with an almost desperate gaze, the fabric of his robes still firmly grasped in her hands as if she couldn’t bear to let go of anything else. 

“What do you mean, Bren?” Dorian reached a hand out tenderly to tuck some stray hairs behind her pointed ear, letting the backs of his fingers brush down her moist cheek affectionately. His olive fingers were of the same colour as her skin, something he had always jokingly informed her that she had going in her favour. He smiled to himself at the fond memories they shared, which only added to the deep sorrow he felt on seeing her in this state.

“The dreams, Dorian…”

“I thought we’d stopped those?” he retorted with a frown. Bren lowered her gaze, almost looking ashamed at the admittance she was about to make and shook her head. 

“No, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you”. Dorian sighed and pulled her in close once more, holding her still shivering body close to his. He adjusted his embrace and scooped an arm under her legs, lifting her effortlessly with him as he finally stood from the cold balcony floor. 

“Let’s get off this freezing balcony, hmm?”

Before she knew it, Bren found herself being carried back into her quarters and she clung to Dorian's strong shoulders gratefully. As they crossed the room together, she spied Bull still leaning against the railing of the stairs, waiting patiently. He looked up as his lover and their closest friend entered the room, a concerned look crossing his face as he met Bren’s eyes. Bren offered a feeble wave of her hand in greeting, mouthing “Sorry” as Dorian carried her to her bed. Bull frowned at her and curtly shook his head in rejection of her apology and held his post by the stairway.

Dorian unceremoniously pulled Bren’s cold, wet nightdress from her shivering body, ignoring her brief protest, which caused Bull to pointedly look out the window. Dorian pulled back her bed sheets and hurried her in under the covers before tucking her in like he might a child. Having looked back from the window when he deemed it safe, Bull watched his lover tenderly caring for their friend, and couldn't help but smile at the sight. 

Dorian climbed onto the bed beside Bren, making himself comfortable on top of her sheets. He cradled his head on one arm and turned his full attention to her; clearly he wasn’t planning on going anywhere anytime soon. Bren rolled to face him and met his eyes, offering a faint smile of gratitude that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She reached out to rest her hand tenderly on Dorian's bristly cheek with obvious deep affection showing in her gaze.

“So my spells didn’t work?”, he asked the elf softly, resting his own hand over hers as it rested on his cheek. 

“They did… for a time”

“I see. But you didn’t tell me when you needed them renewed?”, Dorian sighed lightly, knowing the answer to his question even before she gave a hesitant nod. “Bren…”

“I know, but he caught me off guard, Dorian. I just..." She sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat before she could continue, "I just found myself back on that balcony with him and it was just… Oh Dorian, he just felt like home”. Her voice broke a little at her final words and this time it was Dorian's turn to sigh. 

“I understand, but Bren… He’s not here, these are just dreams." He took a moment to study her face, looking for any signs of agreement. When he found none he frowned lightly, "They are just dreams, I hope? Or have you been trying to reach out to him in the fade again? You can’t keep doing this to yourself; you know he already made his choice.”

She cast a guilty look at Dorian before pulling her hand from his and burying her face into the pillows, “I was in the fade..” came her only pained, muffled response.

Dorian gave an exasperated groan but rested his hand on the back of her head, running his fingers through her cropped hair soothingly. “Stop looking for him, Bren…”. 

After a moment of silence, Bren's face emerged from the pillows to look at her friend, and when she finally responded her voice shook once more “I wasn’t looking for him, Dorian, he found me this time.” She met his eyes and he could see tears welling up anew in hers. 

“What? What do you mean?” he queried.

Bren cleared her throat and wiped the tears from her eyes, “The first time I thought it was just a dream, and maybe it was. We were out on that balcony again and he kissed me, just like before, like I've told you about.” She paused briefly, clearly finding it hard to talk and hold back the tears at the same time. “But then the next time I found him standing just outside Skyhold while I was walking the perimeter. Have you ever had dreams where you know that you’re dreaming? So you feel like you can do anything?” She looked at Dorian, who nodded in agreement. “Well it felt like that, like I knew I was dreaming. So I just walked right up to him, but he hesitated and tried to keep his distance from me, saying 'Ma Vhenan, no… Why are you here?'. That look in his eyes, Dorian... it was like he was afraid of me. Or maybe of what he'd do." She closed her eyes, taking a moment to calm the grief that was threatening to overcome her. "I just knew then that I was in the fade again, because in my dreams he's never hesitant. But I still didn't know how I did it. But this time Solas... he’d never let me get so close before. When I realised what was happening, and that he was really there with me finally, I just fell to pieces in front of him.” 

Bren clenched her eyes shut tight, covering her face with her hands and fought against the wave of sorrow slowly overwhelming her once more. Dorian held her a little closer in response, but remained silent. After the moment of raw memories had passed, Bren lowered her hands and continued, “I think seeing me like that for once, in person… I mean really seeing what he was doing to me just caught him off guard, and he held me.” A faint and bitter laugh fell from her lips, "But that didn’t help things, I think I just sobbed in his arms pathetically and begged him to not leave me again.” 

She took a moment to recall the scene in her mind, going silent as she did, her expression morose. “Then he kissed me. It was like it was the only think in the world that mattered to him. Like he really needed it. Like a yearning deep inside..." An embarrassed laugh escaped from her lips and her cheeks flushed, "And well, you can imagine how that ended...” Her cheeks grew ever more scarlet at that, leaving any number of intriguing images in Dorian's mind as he raised his eyebrow at her. 

“Really? In the fade?” 

Bren didn’t respond, but buried her face back into the pillows and gave a muffled groan. Behind them Bull chuckled and Dorian rolled over to cast a look his way, raising a suggestive and enquiring eyebrow.

“Not a chance“, Bull cut his lover’s unspoken question off without hesitation, to which Dorian only smirked knowingly. 

The elf reemerged from her pillow hide-out and glanced over Dorian toward Bull, “Join us?” she asked. Bull promptly left his post and climbed onto the bed behind Dorian, the wooden planks creaking and groaning under the new weight. He spooned the mage from behind as easily as anyone who had done so a million times before would, and Dorian matched the curve of his body to Bull’s in the same fashion. Dorian turned back to Bren with a content, yet slightly bashful smile. She returned his smile, eyes flicking from Dorian to Bull and back, her expression brightening for the first time since they'd found her on the balcony, “You two…”

“You know he’s likely to break the bed?”, Dorian seamlessly deflected her comment. “And, you were saying?”

“Oh right. So after that day it was like Solas had given in; something changed in him, and I often found him in and around Skyhold waiting for me to come to him. It almost felt like I’d finally gotten him back. I knew the situation was strange, only being able to see him in the fade, but I was willing to make that sacrifice to have even a little time together. And our time..." She sighed wistfully, "It was like before he left. He was so affectionate and loving... and passionate," the same scarlet crept back into her cheeks. "It was like he was so relieved to finally have given in again and have me back. But then today...” She trailed off, her mind going back to the fade and her lost lover. From the change in her tone, and the scene Dorian and Bull had just witnessed, it was clear these fairy-tale encounters had obviously been short-lived. 

Putting two and two together, both Dorian and Bull reached a hand over to rest comfortingly on Bren’s back as she took a moment to collect her thoughts. “But then... Just now, it was all like before again, when I was looking for him for all those months. He was just standing off in the forest, in the distance, far away, watching me. He looked so sad, so alone. But then I’d call to him, or I'd run towards him, but I could never reach him." She balled her hands into fists as she spoke, her voice beginning to quiver and rise. "Why? Why would he do that again?! Why would he come to me and then leave me all over again?!” She was almost yelling her last words, her anger mixed with her misery. She buried her face into the pillows as the wave of sorrow she had been trying so hard to keep at bay, finally overwhelmed her. Bull reached his arm around her and pulled the small elf in against them both, hugging her and Dorian in one embrace. Dorian wrapped his arm firmly around his closest friend and held her silently as she cried into his chest once more, finding what little comfort the mutual embrace could offer. 

They lay this way together until the elf’s sobbing eventually ceased, and was replaced by the slow, rhythmic breathing of someone who had dozed off into an exhausted slumber. Bull didn’t remove his arm, but took the opportunity to nuzzle his face in behind Dorian’s head, giving him a kiss on the hair, “Kadan, she’s so lucky to have you... and so am I”. 

Dorian smiled, lifting his arm from Bren’s back gently and placing it just an inch from her forehead as he murmured an incantation lazily. The faintest green glow lit the elf’s forehead and spread over her whole head, whilst allowing her to continue sleeping as it guarded her dreams. Dorian replaced his hand to Bren’s back resting it on top of his lover’s arm, “I think I’m the luckier one to have you two, Amatus. But you know what this means, don’t you?”

Bull sighed faintly as he pressed his lips to Dorian’s head once more and nodded, “Yes, Kadan, I’ll stay here instead and look after her while you’re gone.”

“Thank you.”


End file.
